Difficult Conversations Part II: Prep Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I hated giving critical feedback to others.

Since I was so nervous about having difficult conversations, I would avoid, avoid, avoid until I was backed into a corner. Then I would say to myself, "F*** it," and fling myself into the conversation.

I would initiate these meetings with jumbled thoughts in my mind and panic in my chest. My internal people-pleaser would have an external wrestling match with all the critical feedback I needed to share.

It was messy.

I hated it.

I hated the feelings I felt.

I hated the messiness.

I hated the ways other people would get defensive.

I came in to clean things up, but it usually only made it worse.

Over time, with practice and support, I got better at having critical conversations. I set up a framework to help me get into a better head space and gain access to clearer thoughts. Here are a few tips from that framework:

Get Calm. No one communicates well when they're panicked. Critical conversations happen because a problem has arisen. Can you share feedback with the other person and be grounded and centered? Can you do so without shame and blame? If not, take a minute to sort your emotions so they don't come out sideways.

Get Clear. Clear is kind. Kind is clear. What are the 1-2 key points you want this person to know? What are the behaviors you want them to change? A common pitfall is saying what you don't want them to do. Instead, try saying what you do want them to do.

Get a Plan. After getting calm and clear, it's important to have a game plan in case something goes awry. Do you want another person to attend the meeting to be a witness? What will you do if the conversation gets heated and unproductive? How will you stay grounded and centered, no matter what the other person says or does?

When you stay calm, centered, and clear, you increase the likelihood of the conversation remaining that way.

If this is something that you would like further support in, consider reaching out. I know what it's like, and I know how to help.